The question above is something I guess we all are used to, isn’t it? We think about it all the time. I do of course you also do. We all fight all our lives to feel loved and sometimes we think it makes sense and sometimes it does not. We know that we are lying to each other every day but we choose to stay why? Well I also don’t know the answer yet.
Are we trying to find the answer?
I think yes, we do
Is there any certainty we will succeed?
I don’t think so
Are we going to stop?
The answer is NO.
From what I have seen yet in my life, well I’ am not that old I’ am still in my early twenties but it gives me some sense to write this down that I’ am big enough to write this. Love have nothing to do with age and I want to believe that. It can be felt anywhere, everywhere and personally it will be you who decides where and when we want to feel it. It is everywhere but we often miss to see it, we think we need eyes to see love but, in my opinion, I think we don’t. you ask me why?
Well I think more than that a heart is needed to see love, that’s my answer. We need a heart to feel it no matter how bold or bad we are, we do have heart just like everyone else. We feel everything all the time and we say things which don’t matter all the time but we do forget to say I LOVE YOU. There can be many reasons we don’t do it.
Fear of getting rejected.
Not having enough courage.
We feel any act of pity is also love sometimes.
We don’t want to simply, why? No reason.
All our lives we are told to run, to achieve something which we think will have meaning for our existence in this universe but in the end, we live a life full of regrets, for not saying the work LOVE enough. We are never late for meetings, clocks ticking on time and lunch with the boss but, we forget to even say bye. We leave our homes not even thinking it could be the last chance to see that person.
See now I don’t want to get into the part where the death comes in, it just gets depressing but that is the process of life. We have to face that and we all know it deep down its going to happen someday. But what is interesting is we believe that everything is going to be fine, just as fine as it should be. We believe it all the time and then too we are not happy enough to just realize that we really are just destined to do thing. Well maybe half of them, you know you need to do hardwork as well to be somewhere, some pages are just empty and you have to write it by yourself no one is going to tell you what’s withing you that is for you to find. And sometimes we find it.
Yes, sometimes we have it just in front of us but we blew our chance and keep going places, ignoring what is there to be done and what matters. We go places with our sad feelings and end up hurting more people and then we end up hurting ourselves. We think that we are just not enough but for the right person we are always enough. They don’t see us as a burden, they never did from the start. We were the one closing our eyes finding the bridge that never existed. Maybe sometimes we succeed and find the feeling but most of the time it is within us.
If you think that I’ am writing all this after so much understanding and patience of getting what love actually means then you are wrong. I don’t know maybe I’ am still trying to be someone who can be loved. But maybe I also had someone who loved me but I kept crossing the bridge and never opened my eyes. You never know.
For me what I know about love is, it is something which is not unconditional, sounds eh? Right?
Yes, it is not unconditional for me. In fact, nothing is unconditional everything in life comes with a price and compassion just the one who loves you sacrifices theirs in order for you to stay happy. And just planting a little hope that maybe one day you will see and think about their sacrifices and love them back. You are thinking that I know love as a SCRIFICE? Yes, you are correct I do.
These are some pretty big things which we being on the other side never see. Endless nights and day they think about the people they love, not wanting anything in return. Time which never comes back is gifted for free. Responsibilities and smiles of the day being captured to give it to you. And also, an endless wait that never ends until they realize one day that its never going to happen.
Now, moving on is a hard thing but you know it hard because people say so right?
Did you experience it yourself?
If yes, then maybe you know.
If NO, then let me tell you the, people who have loved you have already done so many other things to make you smile.
Their first watch was a gift to you.
Their first card was of your name.
And maybe they sacrificed someone else just like themselves for you.
Yes, read that again themselves, they do unlearn to slowly stop doing all this to themselves and that is what I call MOVE ON. Its not hard its just where all of that stops.
So, after writing all this and maybe giving words to what I feel on love I just want to say some more. Maybe I have not felt it yet and I’ am still not there, but I know our loved ones have made that sacrifice all their lives and for that we should we forever grateful and never stop to learn to sacrifice just a small patch of what they do and tell them I LOVE YOU TOO.
She had dreams, but little did she knew her path is vague and somewhere in the middle of road. She was young and she walked miles. She helped her mother in chores and saw her dad to go out for work every day. She was cheerful and full of love.
“Bholu” — she called and he came running to her, an Indian breed dog, brown coloured with a stick in his mouth.
“Tumko bas khelna hai”, she said in a playful way taking the stick from his mouth. He was with her for most time of the day and she was very considerate of him.
She was busy whole day, apparently, she had a lot to do, and she observed life from her small happy world but, she always wondered about one thing, why everyone else was sad and tensed all the time. She was small indeed to understand the real world yet but, she heard it every night and she felt it every day that something was wrong. Something was there which was not normal about her family.
According to her she saw perfection in her life, she used to get early in the morning, walked miles to collect the water. Sees her loving mom, her bholu is always by her side and her dad is a gentleman. She was never once refused to go out or to be with her friends, she just enjoyed life and did whatever she wanted. Her dad never stopped her to be what she wanted to be.
She was always cheerful, dancing in her room, following where ever her life took her and smiled more than others. She went places with her pony tales and felt the magic in her life. She gave hope to the people around her and never once thought of how her life was not same as what others wanted it to be. She laughed on silly jokes and hugged her every day. She was the only child and she was loved and fascinated by her life.
She had a small box in her room which was a magic box.
“Kitna sajna hai tumhein”, her mom asked.
“Bas bas aayi maa”, she replied.
She was full of life, she wore salwar kameez and had a small dhupatta. She started with her hair, and then her kajal, and ended it with bindi. She had this great pair of colourful earings which was a gift from her mom. As she was getting late and was almost doing her work in a hurry, she saw something in her box wrapped in plastic cover kept safely with high maintenance of security. She slowly took it and smiled seeing it. The smile in her eyes was so bright. She kept it back and left home with her mother.
She walked till station and they got into train. Just getting into the train she met her friends, and there it was her always their smile.
“Aaj to bht maza aaega”, Neetu said. That means today is going to be a fun day.
“Haa’, a big yes came from her side. She was happy and with all energy she even showed her new bag.
“Mithai milegi”, Neetu said with excitement and everyone else started to smile just by the thought of it. By the way Neetu said they are going to get sweets today.
They all were standing at the gate of the train eagerly, waiting for the train to stop and finally the train stopped and they got down. They ran to the staircase and she waved to her mom and her mom waved back.
She walked with her friends with all the smile and laughter and there is was
MUNICIPAL SCHOOL FOR PRIMARY
Written on bold letters and the gated were open.
They all walked, talked, shared their sorrows, a quick fight, a very known chat on lunch.
As they were walking the school was getting closer, the steps they took were getting them closer to what any average girl at that time of life would have led to.
They almost reached there and then, they looked at the school board with all the they have and then they
CHAMPA GLASS WARES PRIVATE LTD.
They walked into the manufacturing unit.
If you are thinking that they just lost all they ever had then my answer is a big
She looked back at the school board and in the mean time her mom who was following her from the back kept her hand on the shoulder and asked
“Kya hua beta”?
“Kuch nahi maa”, Aahna replied.
Note:Aahna in Hindi means INNER LIGHT.
She entered the warehouse and was soon with her friends. She took the hammer and started to break the glass into pieces and all others started to do the same.
14th November, was the day and they all were waiting eagerly for the clock to turn 12, because at their lunch time there was a dream Aahna was waiting to come true.
Everyone come here, said the supervisor.
It was that time of the year when she was about to live her dream. The owner of the company on every children’s day used to give sweets. They all assembled in the line and the moment was about to come.
“Ye lo Aahna”, she said, the supervisor.
A notebook, which had 200 pages, a pen, rubber, and box full of sweets.
She was living it, Aahna was at the top of the world. She took all the things with the brightest smile on her face and she came running to her mother.
“ Maa mil gaya mujhe, aaj mai bht khush hu”, she danced in front of her. Her mind was racing and she not ale to stop herself from smiling. She waited for the clock to stuck 6 and she was not able to stop herself from thinking about a new set to include in his collection.
She ran home, opened her magic box, in which she had a small compartment for her bindi and earings but, a larger compartment for her books, she got on children’s day or by her wage if she was lucky enough to buy one.
Most of them were empty and she used to draw and use very wisely, using very little space on page. She used to write by herself and she was really saving all this for the day she was really going to go to school,
Which was herDREAM.
Living in 21st century and being very ahead in time where we have the picture of black hole, there are still kids who dream to go to school and still don’t have basic education. They forced by their society or their parents to behave in a certain way and they are fearless to travel and work in extreme conditions. they work in these conditions to just afford to even dream about it.
“I don’t mind if I have to sit on floor at school, all I want is EDUCATION, and I ‘am afraid of NO ONE.”
These were the words said byMalala Yousafzai.
Inspiration can be found anywhere, Aahna’s dreams inspire to have a world were education is not a dream anymore.
She kept her hand on my head and said “Thankyou BETA, tumne hamari diwali mana di”, that means thankyou for making our festival more colourful. It was a busy day in the city as Diwali the colour of lights was in next two days and I was in NSS in my second year of college. These were the days where we used to visit orphanages and old age homes to celebrate festivals with them, and that made me so happy. It was amazing to see how little they had but how much they were ready to give.
Their smiles worked as fuel for us, which we all used to work and fix appointment for, just to see all those smiles and meet them. Everyone was happy and we all were enjoying the time. Songs all the way back from 1990’s were playing and those who can get up and walk were even dancing. They were old probably in their 70s or 80s but so young at heart.They were so accepting and always smiling through their sorrows. We all share things and their smiles. blessings were the gift I got back. My team, we all as a group were on the top to jump, laugh, and cry with them. But there was one face which was hiding something.
I was in a confusing state to, should I approach her? Or should I just leave the way things are. She was sitting in a corner and after sometime when I was slowly losing my patience by seeing that face, I stood up and started to walk towards her. The time she saw me approaching she immediately started to smile. I asked her would she like some “Laddos” and by that I meant sweets she smiled and politely refused. I gently started my approach to talk about her family, friends and what was her journey all about. The way she smiled at me I think she already knew my questions and she was ready with all the answers. She started her story and I was all about it. So, she started with her brother and if you have a question why so? congratulations we are on the same page. I was in my own thought process to think about her parents but let me reveal she never talked about them.
Apparently, she had a brother who she loved and she used to work in a hospital her twenties.
Ok so according to me living in 2019 and being independent is not a big deal but back in the days it was, and trust me she was so beautiful and I can only imagine in my head that how gorgeous she must have been when she was in her twenties. So she talked a lot about how she earned and she was able to afford a flat in Mumbai central and a high level of education for his brother. Soon his brother grew up and went to abroad for further studies. Her brother was doing ok in his life he got graduated, got married and and soon he had his home family, at the other end she was getting old and soon she needed more medicines and ended up being extra for her own brother.
unfortunately, one day her own brother left her at the old age home. He visits her whenever he is in India once in a while. She was going on with the story but my mind was wondering on a very obvious question and answer was something that I never expected.
With all my curiosity I asked her very politely that you work as an independent woman in the era where working women did not existed, you earned, got settled and even made your brother a successful man.
I was really not sure whether I should ask her or not, but anyways I did,
What about your husband? Your children? Marriage? I’m sorry are you widowed?
She was very calm by the time she answered my question as if she was already reading the curiosity of mine in my voice.
She said “I never got married”
It was a whole commitment that I saw that day, she lived all these years by herself.
I again I asked, but why? You had a great job, a great career, anybody would have wanted you!
She replied in a gentle manner
“I was afraid of getting pregnant”
Yes, those were her exact words, she said I was afraid of the state a woman goes through when she is in labour that, is the reason she did not wanted to be married.
I was not ready for the answer, whatever just happened it took me some minutes to analyse the whole situation and by the time when I was wondering in my own world I heard my name being called and it was the time of the visit where we need to say goodbye. I hugged her and I clearly saw on her face that she can read all my questions inside my head. I gave her the gift which we bought for everyone else and then we left.
I was still in that zone thinking about what that lady said and I realise I learn the very big lesson that day, and that was
she was a perfect iconic women with a perfect job and she could have lived on her own terms. Obviously, I respect her decision for not being a married woman but, the reason was a bit out of tail. And, I will always respect her decision but the reason was the focus. She never saw a big and amazing part of her life. From there to here she is counting her last days in an old age home, boycotted by her own brother because because she feared pregnancy.
That day I learnt that making your fears bigger than your thoughts can lead you to places where you never wanted to go, and the vice versa can make your dreams come true. She lived her whole in the fear of something which was natural, all alone,
her picture would have been different but she was sitting there because of what she choose.
Choose wisely and be sure of what you choose, your decision might take you places or you may end up living in a room just by yourself or with some strangers.